Inkless Pen.
I remember those days, as if they were all framed and hung upon my wall. It was all so seemingly easy. There was no thought, it just 'was'. Press the pen to paper and suddenly I was out to sea. I was afloat with inspirations sweet caress in my sails. I drank midnight stars and breathed in the sweetest morning rain. I remember when apathy, empathy, and sympathy sang in endless circles around me. They liked to taunt my heart and whisper shameful things into my ears. My brain ran circles around my clumsy hands. So many poetic beginnings begging to have their life breathed unto white lined paper. Time always threatened to asphyxiate any lingering idea.
I have box-filled reminders of those days. They smell of bittersweet emotion. My heart sinks as I realize how I miss those effortless days. Before my ink dried and was replaced with coarse sand. My poetic cup was tied to an apathetic anchor and dropped into the sea of oblivion.
I wait, longing to feel inspiration scream through my veins-- as it once did. But hours, became days, turned to months, and are now years. I fear what once was, will never be again. The poet I once new, is buried somewhere deep within the walls of my heart.
You took every last word with you as you crossed those tracks. Seemingly forever gone, just as you.
Friends.
I fear that this may very well be the end; I don't want it to be, but do we really have a choice in this? I know that I never did. I try and tell myself that what my gut so madly urges me, is not true. That what you have to say to me, isn't what I already know. I don't want it to be as they all have come to believe. I have always carried hope in my heart for you, because of who you are--I can't fathom the reasons why you have come to this.
I just think back on everything, when it started going downhill and how things may have been different that they had seemed. At this point, I do not know the extent of it--but I know the truth will soon be revealed. When I think about it, I get this gut wrenching sick stomach feeling.
I've already lost one this year, don't say it's going to be two. After all, the first one does not compare at all to yours. The one person in the entire world who I would have thought I knew, I am coming to find--I do not know at all. I don't know what scares me more, losing you or finding out I never knew you to begin with.
I have bit the bullet for you once; forgiveness is easy for me. I am merciful and unconditional. However, you might as well have stamped 'IDIOT' on my forehead and asked me to walk downtown to look like an absolute fool. I trusted you and my trust once gone, is hard to recover--if ever you are lucky enough to do so.
*sighs*
I tell myself to keep an open mind. I can't be so fast to come to conclusions, I know this. But my intuition has never failed me yet, why would it fail me now? I honestly just don't know what other explanations there could be for every little detail along the way. The only thing that makes the millions of puzzle pieces fit together, is this one.
You have said I am your only truly loyal friend. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Can you say the same for yourself? If you put my shoes on in the morning, what would you do? What would you say? Would it sound like this? You tell me what I should do. Tell me if it should be okay.
I don't want to hear your excuses, either. My ears are already cringing with expectation. You have done what you have done, we both cannot change what has come to be. We can only now reap what has been sowed. Whether we are left with something or nothing in the end, who knows?
At this point, I already consider you a loss.
After all, all I have asked for is truth. Truth truth truth. How could it be that hard?
I just wanted the truth. Not so much to ask for, if you ask me.
